The Pain of Underachievement

In what can really be described as a frentic last 24 hours before the closure of the transfer window, there seems to be more startling developments on Tyneside. Woke up at 6 am to access Soccernet to see Jenas going off to Spurs for 7 million pounds. That’s going to go some way in paying for the Owen purchase. Used to love Jenas as a player, especially when he was scoring like 7 goals a season when he was named Young Player of the Year. But in recent campaigns, this tag seemed to hang around his neck like a dead weight. He simply hasn’t been producing the goods. That cheeky stupid chip at KL which cost us the inaugural Asian Premiership trophy and a stupid handball at Highbury which cost us a draw at least. This season, he was making all the stupid noises about living in a goldfish bowl. Let him go to that bigger fishbowl in London and strike it out then. I would rather take a player who genuinely wants to play for us.
Like Nobby Solano. He is really one of the best buys NUFC ever had. A Peruvian international whose reputation in his homeland is equivalent to that of Beckham in England. What I love is his dead ball skills and he has scored many beauties for us over the years. And the shocking thing is he was one of Daglish’s buys. At least Kenny left us a good player before he dismantled the Entertainers of Keegan’s era. Seems like he is now at Tyneside for a medical with Milner going out on loan. Now with Luque and Solano providing the ammunition for Shearer and Owen, the future looks bright. Souness might just get it right this time around and prove the detractors wrong. Having said that, we must continue to play attacking football because Newcastle will forever be Newcastle. We may lose a match but we can always outscore our opposition.
Looking forward, this season which started off a disaster may turn out to be a success in nine month’s time. Howay the lads.

In what must be described as the best piece of news to emanate from gloomy Tyneside in more than a month, Real Madrid striker and former tormentor of NUFC Michael Owen has decided to sign a 4-year deal with the Magpies in a deal worth in excess of 16 million pounds. This eclipses the 15 million pound transfer of Shearer in 1996 from Blackburn. For all long suffering Toon fans out there, this must rank as one of biggest coups in recent times. Apparently one of the greatest reasons for his signing was his desire to play first team football, something which Real could not guarantee him and Eriksson too must be delighted with his decision. At least he can play 40 games a season, compared to rotting on the bench at the Bernabeu. Going to Liverpool clearly would do him no favours since Rafa was the one who sold him in the first place.
Now at least the Toon Army can look forward to the rest of the season in anticipation rather than home. With Owen and Luque supporting Shearer, I am sure the goals will flow again on Tyneside and foreign grounds. Let’s all try and make this final season for Shearer a memorable one. Challenge for the cups and get a European place. That has now got to be the minimum target with the team at Souness’ disposal. Any other failure would be unacceptable. Also for once Fat Shepherd did something constructive and won the battle for NUFC.
Let’s look to Sep 10 when Luis Moneyface Boa Morte and the al Fayed clowns come to Tyneside… We will give them a real thrashing and vent the frustrations of the past month on this lot. Howay the lads.

Getting something out of Sunday’s titantic clash with Manure Utd was seen as Mission Impossible. On one side, you have a team scoring goals for fun in Europe and keeping clean sheets at home. At the other, you have a team which had scored no goals and had 1 point after 3 games. It could really be said to be a David and Goliath encounter. But it wasn’t always like this, at least for the first 60 minutes of the battle at St. James’ Park. Our midfield ruffled Manure’s feathers and tried to impose ourselves on the bunch of cheating louts. Now we can finally induct Ronaldo and the Clownish Heinze to the Academy of Professional Actors, shame on these bums. Ruud Shit can also join their ranks.
On 13 minutes when Luque scored, you could almost hear me scream my lungs out because that was a goal scored after some 8 hours plus of goalless football on Tyneside but of course it was ruled out for offside. Shearer at least looked a little like his old self again but really Souness’ gamble on the fitness of Dyer and Emre blew up in our faces as both limped off by the 38th minute. Bowyer would join them in the second half. Makes me wonder what kind of training would cause these perpetual pains. I don’t read about such things from other teams. There must really be some kind of bloody hex on Newcastle.
Of course, good things don’t last, not certainly with our fabled defence. This time, it’s not Carr but Boumsong, the French international, whose howlers gifted Shrek Rooney and Horseface the goals which killed us.
So here’s my review of the players’ performance.

Given - 7 - steady as ever but let down by defence.

Carr -6 - Average performance.

Babayaro - 6 - showed some nice touches.

Taylor - 8 - Really the bright spark in an otherwise dark August.

Boumsong - 4 - S***

Parker - 8 - Brilliant midfield general.

Bowyer - 7 - Aggression personified.

Dyer - 6 - Did not do much.

Emre - 6 - Limped off.

Shearer - 6 - Showed shades of his old self.

Luque - 6 - He will definitely score goals. Wait and see.

Ameobi - 5 - Crap.

Faye - 5 - Another piece of crap.

Jenas - 6 - Aimless chicken.

Also read today that Owen is coming to Tyneside for talks. To Lyndon, I agree with your comments about Newcastle, but I hope that Owen really comes to Tyneside. He needs us as much as we need him and it would be foolish for him to return to Liverpool where the other strikers will get pissed. Cisse for one would feel extremely aggrieved. Rest assured once he comes, we will start climbing the table and put other teams in their place, starting with Fulham on 10 Sep. It’s time to avenge that disgraceful 4-1 reverse last year. Let’s say give them a 5-0 pasting…. just like Bobby’s time when we thrashed Sheff. Wed 8-0. Great.

Another weekend of matches. Here are my humble predictions.

Baggies 1 Brum 1
Villa 2 Blackburn 1
Fulham 1 Everton 1
Man City 2 Portsmouth 0
Tottenham 1 Chelsea 2
West Ham 2 Bolton 1
Wigan 2 Sunderland 1
Boro 1 Charlton 1
NUFC 2 Man U 1 (Again, more in hope than anything else)
3 points for correct scoreline and 1 point for correct outcome)

1. Rafa insists on using his lousy misfiring strikeforce.

2. Stevie G just cannot reproduce his European form on the Premiership stage.

3. Reina, like all Pool goalkeepers, will self-destruct very soon.

4. Dudek will be struck by some strange ailment and be ruled out for months.

5. Baros, the quicksilver striker is gone.

6. Crouch is just a useless beanpole.

7. Luis Garcia is showing signs of being a waster.

8. Pool will be distracted in Europe.

9. Pool will get kicked out after the group stage and continue to suck.

10. It’s the old usual Liverpool, always flatters to deceive.

A most pleasant surprise awaited when I logged in tonight. An Arsenal fan among my students actually had SOMETHING nice to say about pathetic Newcastle. Articles in the Newcastle Chronicle also doesn’t make for pleasant reading. Alan Shearer is apparently trying his best calling Owen to join him at Newcastle and Owen’s agent was at the Bolton game. However, I don’t think he would have anything good to say about the Toon to Owen. Right now, all Toon fans can do is to hope that Owen decides to come and try his luck at Tyneside. He will at least be guaranteed first team football, and who knows his goals might once again propel us to Europe. And he will then be persuaded to sign on permanently and become another Toon legend… come Owen, we need you and the Toon Army loves their scoring forwards. You will be deified at Tyneside. Don’t give up the chance. Shearer needs one last push to get the silverware his illustrious career deserves.
And in reply to my Arsenal fan of a student, the Toon are down but not out. The Geordie spirit will be summoned on Sunday hopefully to give Manure a kick in the teeth. I would love to see Horseface and Petulant Brat fire blanks, Van der Sar getting red carded, Roy Keane sent off… oooh. How I just love it. Another 4-3 perhaps to Newcastle at last. Remember, the wounded animal is a dangerous animal. Grrrr..

One of my students wrote a comment asking if his remarks about Mighty Manure coming to Tyneside has offended me. Actually this is a no-brainer, I never get bothered by jibbing, it’s ok anyway I have endured this for as long as I can remember. So, Alison, if you are reading this, I am not pissed off and I won’t sabo your essays just because you are a Red Devils’ fan. I am more professional than that. Looking forward to Sunday, I say ‘May the better team win.’ My heart tells me the Toon will finally score but my head tells me they will be blasted into outer space by Horseface Van Nistelrooy. Oh dear, I don’t even know if I dare to watch the match. Not after losing sleep this morning to look the results of the Bolton debacle which Souness claimed was the worst performance ever. Crap again. 3 games passed, no goals scored, goal difference -4 and 1 point, that’s 1 point lower at the point last year when Sir Bobby was axed. Crap Sourmess.

Given - 6 - not helped by the defence

Carr - 5 - at fault for one goal

Boumsong - 6 - What’s there to say?

Taylor - 6 - nightmare at Reebok stadium

Babayaro - 6 - Nigerian oaf

Bowyer - 6 - almost scored

Jenas - 6 - had one shot on goal

Parker - 7 - redeemed the midfield

Faye - 4 - total waste of space

Ameobi - 5 - talk is cheap

Shearer - 5 - sad to say the least

Milner - 5 - what did he do?

Clark - 5 - Geordie but what else?

Defensive play -5, Effort - 5 , Attack - 2 Souness - 1, time for Sourmess to make an exit.

When I logged in at 2010 h today, I was most astounded to see an extremely insulting reply from one student who claimed his Mighty Manure is going to make mincemeat out of the poor Magpies on Sunday. What can I say? He even called us relegation candidates. But wait… Michael Owen could be on his way to Tyneside after Fat Freddy confirmed that a club record bid has been made for the England hitman. However, it seems like that little speedy Owen prefers a move to Pool than Toon. Hopefully we can get him on loan first and get into the Champions League again, then maybe we can sign him permanently. Contrary to what Shola Ameobi says, he is not a 20 goal a season striker.
Summary of last night’s results

Brum 0 Boro 3 (Lard Viduka got a brace)

Pompey 1 Villa 1 (Indifferent form)

Mackems 1 Man City 2 (Sinking without a trace)

My predictions for tonight.
Arsenal 4 Fulham 1 (Henry and Co. take it out on Coleman)

Chelsea 3 Baggies 0 (Baggies get deflated)

Blackburn 1 Spurs 2 (Defoe show again?)

Bolton 1 Toon 2 (Scoreline is more in hope than anything else, laugh, laugh you ignoramuses)

I know for sure this title is gonna make all feminists stand up and throw rubbish at me but I am going to get this off my chest anyway. During the journey home in the car, my wife told me she wrote a bitchy blog on me. Having aroused my curiousity, I immediately logged in to read the blog and there she was, bemoaning the fact that the hits on my pathetic little blog is going to exceed hers. She claimed that I resorted to underhand methods by telling my students about the blog but then again she was the one who suggested this to me. Sour grapes. Blah. Nonetheless, I am always magnanimous and ready to forgive. I am not one to lose sleep over this kind of little bitchiness. I will just let her win to make her happy.
One thing that still gets my goat is women’s fascination with shoes. I really cannot understand why the need for so many pairs of shoes although my better half tells me that different shoes are for different occasions. To me, shoes are very simple accessories and they are only for two purposes - exercise and non-exercise. That is why I only have track shoes and so called working/going out/formal shoes. Not many pairs but enough to meet my needs. Maybe we men may never understand this phenomenon, in the meantime, I will continue to keep my credit card on hand just in case the woman needs it.

Bracing myself for a barrage of insults and sarcasm from my students today, I also prepared my own ammunition against those Gunners fans by laughing at their defeat at Stamford Bridge. However, I must say this is scant consolation for another 2 points dropped at St. James’ over the weekend. To add to my predictions, I got the Chelsea-Arsenal result right, so in total I got a MAGNIFICENT 5 out of 30 points. I solemnly vow to improve my predictions to match the Percy Showdown on Soccernet.
Coming back to Saturday’s match, here’s my own assessment of the players’ performances.

Given - 7 - barely needed to make a save.
Taylor - 8 - he’s improving with every game and keeping calamity Titus out, good.
Boumsong - 7 - another solid display.
Carr - 6 - much improved from Highbury’s nonsense
Parker - 7 - Another spirited performance from the midfield dynamo.
Jenas - 6 - not convincing but helped Konchesky get a red card. Good.
Milner - 5 - toothless.
Bowyer - 6 - Lacked bite in the midfield.
N’ Zogbia - 6 - Needs to justify his place in the team.
Shearer - 5 - Sad and pathetic. As NUFC.com said, no way is he going to get the 7 goals to surpass Milburn at the rate the team is self-destructing.
Clark - 6 - welcome back Geordie. At least he bothered to test Caroll in goal.

Altogether - 3 for attack - lacked invention, 7 for defensive play, 6 for effort, and Souness on the evidence of this abject crap deserves a 4.

Don’t think they will get much at Reebok. Let’s sharpen the knives for Scottish Sourmess Soup. Yum.