The Pain of Underachievement

Let’s continue with the failings of England. When they came up against their nemesis Portugal which booted them out of Euro 2004, I had a sense of foreboding. England would be found out sooner or later. They started well enough but as usual it took a moment of madness to undo all the good that was achieved, and it had to be a Manure player, just as a certain Mr Beckham ruined the nation’s hopes in France 98. Young Rooney has the build of a man but the brain of a toodler. Even if his club mate Ronaldo gesticulated to the referee to send him off for a step on Carvalho, there was no need to push him. But Rooney did and dutifully paid the price. After he was sent off, cameras zoomed in on Ronaldo winking at the Portuguese bench and a fashion statement was born. Within days, football 365 was selling Ronaldo you f***ing winker T-shirts and apparently they are now selling like hotcakes.
That incident also had more catastrophic consequences. Despite Alex’s attempts to get the two players to bury the hatchet, Rooney said he wanted the hatchet in Ronaldo’s head. Ronaldo claims he wants to leave OT for the Bernabeu and the signs are not good at Manure at the moment.
Anyway, the Three Lions fell victim to the usual penalty shootout. Ricardo was the hero for Portugal while Gerrard, Lampard and Carragher all missed. What the hell were they doing? Chief culprit must go to Lampard, who could score 20 plus for club but nil for country in this World Cup. But Sven must also pay the price, alas he is now millions of pounds richer and laughing all the way to the bank. Woe to any country who wishes to engage his services. Let’s hope McClaren does better.
In the aftermath, Beckham has stepped down as captain, Owen got his knee knackered and is now out for the Toon till next year. All in all, another World Cup campaign has bitten the dust again. Will we see another rejuvenated England? Only time will tell.

After spending $15.75 on my cable TV subscription to catch the World Cup and less than 25 matches later, my love affair with the world’s biggest sporting event ended in a whimper long before the fateful final in Berlin on 9 July. Why? Because the team I supported made such a big fool out of themselves that they would be better off showboating, oops I mean showcasing their silky skills in some Sunday football game. And what’s that team in question? The pertually underachieving but still delusional England, a little like the club that I support too. Sigh. Maybe it’s just me.
Frankly speaking I didn’t give two hoots about all the other teams but wifey seemed to like Germany. Maybe it’s the fact that we both took German when we were in the U and everytime the Deutschland Lied (national anthem) is played, we would just hum along. Also throw in a few good lookers like Lahm and Podolski and voila! another team for the female species to support. I did try to cheer the Asian teams on but by a cruel twist of fate, Korea got knocked out at the very last hurdle in the group games. Shucks. Japan got Zico and was bulldozed by the samba boys who showed that what’s the great deal. Good thing Zico bailed out at the end of the tournament. Imagine he might have to commit seppuku in the past for being such an abject failure at the Cup…
For the Africans, they were the usual unpredictable and energetic lot with lots of huffing, puffing and running. Ghana was my favourite and they really made a mockery out of the idiotic FIFA rankings by torturing the Czechs, ranked 2nd in the world then.It really was nice to see Petr Cech pick the ball out of his net for once. You just don’t see enough of it in the Premier League so it’s good to have a change.
Now back to England. It was really with a a sense of fear and foreboding when the cool Swede brought the team to Germany. All the big mouths in the team were uttering nonsense, swearing to bring back the Cup and end 40 years of hurt and all that crap. Strikers were making claims on the Golden Boot, defenders were talking themselves up into world beaters, and of course public opinion was building up to such a point that it seemed the other 31 teams were there just for the experience. The 2006 World Cup was made for England, boasting one of the best squads in two generations.
As the saying goes ‘Pride comes before a fall’. The problem with England players is that they have this bigoted view of their own ability. Scoring three goals against substandard Caribbean opposition does not make you a hitman overnight. Crouch beanpole are you listening? In any case, the squad had a decent goalie, a credible defence (most of the time), an excellent midfield boasting the talents of the best midfielders in the world but a crocked attack. Against all possible common sense and reason, Sven brought Owen and Rooney, both injured prior to the tournament and still not match fit, that beanpole and Theo Walcott, the 17 year old who has not started even for 1 sec in a match for Arsenal. That was it. Who was going to score the goals for us? Ha… it was just a matter of time before the bubble burst.
The group matches against Ecuador, Sweden and Paraguay were so pathetically boring that I basically dozed off. The tactics, if there were any to begin with, was to pump long balls to beanpole and hopes he heads them down. That one-track football managed to get the Three Lions through the group stage but surely the rails would come off and sure they did in quite spectacular fashion.

As the saying goes, cheats never prosper and how true it was when the actors of Stamford Bridge could not replicate their Oscar worthy theatrics at Camp Nou. Barcelona had the genius of Ronaldinho to thank for crushing any lingering hopes of the Special One of clinching another European crown. Perhaps it does show money doesn’t always buy success.
Arsenal managed a shut-out of Real Madrid and put paid to their hopes of getting something out of another wretched trophyless season. Pool’s misfiring strikers made the team pay the ultimate price by getting beaten by Benfica. So that’s the end of their reign as champions of Europe. Now our hopes lie with the Arsenal…

I would like to make an appeal to all anti-Chelsea fans out there to condemn the rampant Oscar theatrics of the Chelsea team under the directorship of the Special One. Their play-acting is giving the game a bad name and I really hope Barca will whip their butts at the Nou Camp. It’s about time someone shuts that Portuguese geezer up. Reminds me though of Man U many years ago when they were the team everyone loves to hate. At least Fergie can breathe better now since Mourinho has taken over his mantle as Public Enemy No. 1.

I need to look for the misfortunes of others to assauge the pain in my heart as the Toon sink quite swiftly down the table. This I found in the debacle served up by Sir Alex’s crap team at the FA Cup Third Round and the League Cup semi-final yesterday. One word: brilliant. Manure has once again outdone themselves, drawing 0-0 (yes, can you even believe it?) with a team ranked over 100 places below them in the football hierarchy. Granted the pitch resembled a WWI trench, but to send a weakened team smacks of total arrogance and he was rightfully rewarded with s*** on his face. Fast forward to the League Cup and Blackburn play party pooper again by cancelling out Saha’s goal. Pedersen is fast becoming the scourge of Man U, having scored 3 times already against them. Please continue your goal scoring streak against them.

Back to transfer news, all is quiet on the Northeast front. Souey has no cash and cannot possibly buy anyone unless Fat Fred loosens the purse strings. Bowyer’s move to Charlton looks doomed with Curbishley asking for $. Nihat has decided that playing in a lower Russian league suits him better than the EPL and the French player Yoann Lahor has just been sent back after an unsuccessful trial. Frankly, any defender is better than what we have here at the moment. Please, someone, anyone, just take any one of the bungling brothers….

I think now the question on everyone’s lips is this: Can the Reds catch the Blues after chalking an impressive 9th win on the trot? Lyndon, I really give your Liverpool team the props. They are everything Newcastle isn’t at the moment: defensive solidity, midfield tenacity and clinical finishing aided by good service from the flanks. After I watched them totally stuff Everton 3-1, aided by the stupidity of Phil Neville and Mikael Arteta, I have nothing but admiration for the Merseyside giants.
As for the Toon, the home match against the Addicks which could have provided a game to put Curbishley’s men to the sword was cancelled just half an hour before kick-off. That raised ire among the Charlton supporters who have made the journey and of course Freddy fat ass Shepherd came out to say that management lost over 100 000 pounds cleaning up the mess. Oh well, he is really in the same league as Souey… all the bloody excuses to explain why things are going wrong. As pointed out in some quarters, the team is scoring fewer goals than West Brom!!! Can you beat that??? Relegation fodder and we cannot even outscore them. And looking at the team sheet for Charlton, I just wonder what is Souey thinking about?? You don’t want to slag Luque to Madrid but you refuse to play him. How can he get match fitness? And talk about Emre coming back was all hot air as it transpired that he was in Turkey. And of course Souey will enter the transfer market in January and make extremely ASSTUTE signings that will transform our non-existent season into an assault on the European places and oh yes he will definitely want to collect more midfielders and piss promising young players off. He will continue to extol the virtues of the B and B team… did you all even see the Pool fans cheering when Bramble came on for Taylor??? They must be thinking, this is the perfect Christmas present for our team: put the most inconsistent and inattentive defensive pair together, yum yum.
For the Arse, it was back to business and they brought Harry down to earth with a big thud as they whacked them 4-0. But my joy was unbridled when the hated Manure dropped two points at Birmingham. Brilliant job as the Rifle Pandiani gave them a taste of their own ‘come back from behind’ medicine. That I think basically killed off their title challenge. Another shock came at the Hawthorns as high-flying Spurs were gunned down by a Kanu brace. But for all you Spurs fans, fret not. Santa wearing black and white strips might be giving you three points on Saturday. So don’t cry. Wigan won the battle of the promoted teams and of course Psycho failed to stop the Mourinho juggernaut.
Can someone, anyone stop Chelsea please??

After the unmitigated disaster at Anfield where Shay Given prevented us from suffering a cricket score line, the brave pundit sticks his neck out again.

Arsenal v Portsmouth 3 - 0 Arse to swing back into form.
Birmingham v Man Utd 0-3 Bruce is going down just like his pathetic team.
Fulham v Aston Villa 1-1 Could be tight.
Man City v Chelsea 1-2 Chelsea is unstoppable.
Newcastle v Charlton 4-0 I will stick my neck really out for this one.
West Brom v Tottenham 1-2 Spurs have really done well this season.
West Ham v Wigan 1-2 Battle of the promoted teams.
Blackburn v Sunderland 2-0 That 0-0 was a false dawn.
Bolton v Middlesbrough 2-1 Boro to have a bad day at the office.
Everton v Liverpool 0-2 Pool to continue to keep their clean sheet.

Ah it’s the season of giving and remembering God’s love for us again and please tell that to Arse and Jose. Luckily common sense has prevailed and the two prats have patched up. Whatever the circumstances surrounding Owen’s departure to Real Madrid, it’s all in the past. Now even with Rafa saying he’s leaving the door open to his return, I hope this does not materialise. Please for heaven’s sake, Owen will be adored like Shearer was on Tyneside, why leave when you will receive unbridled adulation in Newcastle? The Toon Army love their strikers!!!
And for Shearer, thank God he finally decided not to play on because really it’s time to go and go gracefully. Leave the space for others to fill, what we need in January is a decent central defender and I think another striker to prepare for Shearer’s well-earned retirement.
Souey, just shut up and get on with business. Stop criticising the fixtures and get the rhythm going.

Before we begin, I must congratulate my fellow pundit and diehard Pool fan Lyndon on his beloved team climbing into 4th place on the table. For me, this week has been an extremely torrid one for all Toon fans. I don’t even want to get started on the shit that this team has been serving up since the reverse at Stamford Bridge. Shambolic defending at Everton and failure to find the net against a team short of confidence is still acceptable by our rapidly declining standards, but really the debacle that happened at the JJB, if reports are to be believed, represented a new low in the lofty standards of NUFC. Perhaps it is better that the match wasn’t shown live, because I don’t think I can sleep after that crap. How can a team costing over 50 million pounds on paper lose to a bunch of reserves? And the stats showed 11 to 0 corners in the first half. What has happened? Are we becoming a one man team? When will Souness ever learn? Why play them out of position?
I really don’t know the rationale behind his decisions anymore and I bet the anti-Souness faction will intensify their efforts to get him out. Judging by the totally gutless and passionless performances so far, I really hope that he will be out. I think enough is enough, no more excuses. Even if we win tomorrow against Villa, it would only save the Scottish butt for a while but come a string of defeats, his head would roll.. definitely. Shepherd has wielded his knife and he can always do it again.

Liverpool v Wigan 3 - 0 Crush the Latics like a pathetic little roach, yah that’s what they are.
Blackburn v Everton 2 - 0 Bellars to score.
Bolton v Arsenal 1 - 3 The Henry show.
Chelsea v Middlesbrough 2 - 0 Lampard to keep scoring.
Newcastle v Aston Villa 2 - 1 If B and B are playing, a clean sheet is no possibility.
Tottenham v Sunderland 3-0 Continue to sink into oblivion.
West Brom v Fulham 1-2 Malbranque will do the job.
Man Utd v Portsmouth 4-0 Target practice.
Charlton v Man City 0-2 The Addicks are going going gone.
Birmingham v West Ham 1 - 2 I will go for the Hammers.

As our hopes of getting into Europe fade as fast as lead sinking into the waters of the Tyne, the Carling Cup represents perhaps our final hope of securing a passage into Europe. Indeed as most sides tend to field reserves, this really is a good opportunity for the Toon. The shock of the round must be Doncaster’s humbling of Villa and two ex-Magpies did the damage. James Coppinger and Lewis Guy, two former strikers who made a total of TWO first team appearances made fools out of David O’Leary’s side.
As we do battle with Wigan at the JJB without Owen again, I really wonder where the goals are going to come from? Shearer was good but he clearly can no longer deliver and must be on the bench after Jan for the good of the team. They need to get a proven goal scorer and quick. Not with oh so fragile Owen as the main spearhead. Shola has been given chance after chance and blowing it. Chopra needs a run but Souness doesn’t give him the opportunity. And the kids in the reserves and Under-18s are not ready. Help… where has the cavalier attacking football of Newcastle Utd gone to??? We may lose matches but at least we go down fighting. Under the enlightened reign of the Scot, the Toon has never come back from 1 goal down except in one match. We no longer have the mental resilience to claw our way back. Under Bobby, we were known as the comeback kings now we are nothing.
Another year of mediocrity beckons unless the Scot can come up with something and FAST. The undercurrent of discontent is brewing fast and if things don’t improve, Souness will run out of excuses to save his job.